In the middle of the bed...

Sunday night the weirdest thing happened... I was getting into bed and normally I stay on "my" side of the bed, but that night, for some reason I rolled to the middle of the bed. Now, to most people that may not seem like a big thing, so let me back up and show you what it means for me...

When I was married we had clear lines about which side of the bed "belonged" to whom. Kyle's was always the side closest to the bedroom door. I was always away from the bedroom door. He was the first "line of defense", if you will, in case someone broke into our home. He wanted to be closest to the door of the bedroom and therefore, closest to the rest of the house and our kids.

Since the time of our separation I have had to learn how to sleep on a different side of the bed. As a mom at home alone with her kids, I'm now the first "line of defense" - I'm the one who has to protect our kids and take care of all of that kind of stuff. Not a role I enjoy or relish at all!! If you were to crawl into my bed (it used to be our bed) there is a definite spot where I sleep -I bought new mattresses, faithfully flip and turn them and still, there's an indent in the mattress where I sleep. In fact, these days it is so pronounced that if you were to roll from my spot in the bed to the other side, there is almost a ridge that you would have to roll up and over in order to get to the other side. Crazy I know, but hey, oh well!! So - you get the picture - I now sleep closest to the door with my face towards the door. It is now my spot and I'm literally stuck in a "rut", well, a "rut" in my mattress, but a "rut" nonetheless. SOOO... on Sunday night I crawled into bed and couldn't quite get comfortable in my little "rut", so I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and turned and tossed. You get the idea. I got up and got a drink of apple juice, then crawled back into bed. I was tired and I just wanted to close my eyes and drift off to sleep, but no, I couldn't get comfortable. Again, the whole tossing and turning, moving the pillows, all the while clinging to my edge of the bed. Finally in desperation I moved to the middle of the bed with my back to the door even (I never sleep like that!!) and almost instantaneously a calm and peace came over me- I stretched out and fell asleep. Ya'll - my back was to the door - that is symbolic of me not being on the ready or watching out for my family - I was sleeping with my back to the door in the middle of the bed in complete oblivion to the rest of the house.

My point is this - how much of our lives do we live on the "edge of the bed" - face to the door, on the defensive, not resting, not trusting?? If you're at all like me, you live a lot of your life that way. That mentality bleeds over into every part of my life - just waiting for something to happen, for the bottom to fall out, or for someone to intrude into my space or my family's space. As I was drifting off to dreamland (well, I don't really dream all that often, so as I was drifting off to sleep), I heard the still small voice of my Saviour, "Come unto me all ye that labor..."

This "on the edge of the bed" mentality has even penetrated my relationship with Christ - instead of crawling into the middle of it and laying down and resting in Him, trusting Him, growing in Him, I've stayed right there on the edge, ready to bolt at the first sign of disaster. Now I know that the disasters come from me - He is perfect and sovereign and everything that I am not, but I'm ready to bolt regardless. That is not what He asks of me, that is not how I can have a true, intimate relationship with him - I cannot cling to the edge, with my face to the door, planning my exit. In order to find the peace that passes all understanding, in order to find the joy He promises, in order to find REST - I must crawl into the middle of my relationship with Him, stretch out and turn my back to the exit. I must commit to being there in that place with Him. I must be willing to lay myself down. No small thing. No easy thing. I cannot be who He designed me to be for His glory and His purpose from the edge. I have to be in the middle. The same is true for each of us. I'll be praying for you if you pray for me as we all crawl to the middle:)!