Almost Four Years...

My heart is heavy tonight. While my heart is often heavy when I think about Kyle, it is particularly heavy as the anniversary of his death draws nigh. In 18 days it will be four years. Four years since he was still here. Four years and one week since I've heard his voice, looked in his eyes, wrapped my arms around him - not knowing that the was the last time I would ever hug him. Four years and one week since he saw our kids, played with them, laughed with them, told me funny stories about Wyatt's visit to west Texas, since he called Megan his sweetheart. And yet, I can still hear his voice echoing in the recesses of my memory. I have struggled from June 26, 2007 to now in ways that I hadn't struggled with his death previously. My brain says, "Hodges, it has been four years. Come on!" My heart says something completely differently. I am forever changed. We (his family and friends) all are. My heart says that we didn't do enough at his funeral and in the days after to celebrate his life, we didn't do enough to tell the funny stories, the happy stories, the stories that bring tears of joy not sorrow. Perhaps the shock was so great, the pain so new and so raw that we weren't able to. Perhaps the disbelief that he was truly gone was too overwhelming. Wasn't it just yesterday that we celebrated Megan's 13th birthday and he took the kids, along with his dad and some other family members to Kemah? Wasn't it just yesterday he was still alive? They ate at Landry's, if I remember correctly and they walked down the boardwalk. I still have the digital camera that he used that day and the pictures are still on it. The last pictures that Megan and Wyatt would have with their daddy. Again, I struggle. I put one foot in front of the other. I smile and I say I'm fine, but I'm not. I work, I play with Megan and Wyatt, I laugh, I dream, I do all the things that everyone else does, there's just a gaping hole in the center of my heart and while most days the pain is not the sharp pain that it once was, it is still there. I wonder if it will always be there. So, I'm not fine - I miss him. Again, I worry that we didn't do enough to celebrate his life - to help Megan and Wyatt remember all of the happy times, the funny times, the great things about him. The night after his intervention were some of the most tender moments of our marriage. He'd agreed to go rehab in the morning and his bag was finally packed. The house was quiet - both kids were asleep and we were laying side by side, curled up in bed, talking in hushed voices. It was tender because Kyle wasn't one for cuddling, for curling up side by side, but that night he did. And he said to me, "I want my story to make a difference. I want someone to avoid the path that I'm on because they see what I've gone through." While he was in rehab he joked that we should write a book - quite an odd suggestion coming from someone who didn't even like to read all that much. But he knew how verbose his wife was and so he said - "We should write a book. Again, I want my story to make a difference for someone else." It is in this spirit, with this thought in mind that I need to do something to first, celebrate his life - to revel in the good times that we had and that he had with the rest of his family and friends. There were many. Secondly, to share his story in a way that honors him and tells his story so that, as he put it, someone else will avoid the path that he took.

Just a little over three years ago his brother, Casey, and I took a sixteen hour road trip to Hamlin and back for the funeral of a dear friend of the Hodges' family. Casey and I had many opportunities to talk that day. When he and I talked a little about what Kyle said the night before he went to rehab, Casey asked me what I was doing about it. At the time, nothing. For three years now, the desire to do something about what Kyle wanted has grown. So, on June 26th, the four year anniversary, I will open a blog in his memory. It is titled He's Gone Home. I am gathering pictures and have been working on the blog for a couple of weeks now. If you knew Kyle and you have a story that would celebrate his life, please email me - professorhodges@hotmail.com. I would love to post it so that the rest of us who loved him can share in that memory. My goal is that the blog celebrate his life and I invite you to join with me in that venture.