He showed up!!!

Just a heads up - this post is a little deep, but that's where my thoughts are right now, so bear with me...

This winter has been the hardest one yet since Kyle's death - I have just struggled with everything so much! Thank goodness for fabulous counselors like Betty - I have had her as
my counselor since November of 2001. She is truly an amazing woman. Her perspective is
that I've spent the majority of the last almost four years now making sure my kids were ok
and keeping everything moving forward, so much so that I've essentially stuffed or buried what was going with my own grief. She assures that this is completely normal - the first year was just shock and survival, the second year was a dawning realization that Kyle is
truly gone and not coming back and the third year the grief hit a different level - our kids are hanging in there and even seeming to thrive so my concern for them in this area relaxed a little bit, thus allowing more room for my feelings to surface. And surface they did - trust me when I say it has been tough.

So... throughout all of this I've continued to ask God to show up - to show me that He sees me, not just my kids, but me. I've literally felt as though I was pleading with Him to make Himself audible or visible or something - I've needed a glimpse, a tiny picture - even if just a hint of a ray of sunshine - just something!!! And all winter, it seems as though He's been silent.

Well, yesterday, I had an incident that was quite a blow - in the grand scheme of things a small incident, but at that moment, in my hurt, it was huge. This morning I laid in bed and just prayed for God to again, show up - just show me that He is present in my life. I reached for a Women's Devotional Bible that I have and I want to share with you the devotion that I happened to open it to...

"Remember" by Judith Couchman - A warm letter from a friend. A compliment from my boss. An unexpected refund. A comforting scripture. These arrive as God's good gifts to me. But they usually get overlooked while I'm focusing on what feels like - at least to me - insurmountable trouble. Always, it's trouble that God hasn't solved yet. Often, I complain about His delayed response. Bet really, my myopic vision isn't fair to Him. If I lift my eyes off the problem, I can spot God's gifts all around me. They may not be the answer I'm searching for at the moment, but they're good and continuous gifts that say, "I still love you, my child." They remind me that God doesn't stop caring for me, even though I live with unfulfilled expectations. Now during the hard times, I remind myself to hunt for God's small surprises while I'm waiting for His big solution. It takes my mind off the problem. It helps me to trust Him... It encourages me to know that God still cares." I Peter 5: 6-7 tells us, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety (and cares) on Him because He cares for you."

WOW - if that wasn't God showing up at the perfect time, I don't know what would have been! So... this morning, if you are like me, waking up with hurt feelings and some sadness, know that God sees you - He cares for you! He is not silent or distant! Isn't that an amazing thing that we have a personal God who loves us and... SHOWS UP when we need Him most!!!

Have a blessed day - our next post will be in a few days as we're headed off to family camp! Wyatt and Megan are both so excited - we're going to a place called Crier Creek (www.pinecove.com) - Megan works there as a "Horse Wrangler" on the weekends and she's so excited that I get to go on a trail ride with her and Wyatt is excited because he gets to spend a couple of nights where his sister works. I, however; am feeling a bit trepidatious - I'll be hanging out with all married people - those who know me well know how much I just love that (not!), but seriously - I'm going with a bunch of friends who are a blast and God showed me this morning that He sees me and He cares for me so I know it'll be a blast - I promise to post pictures~

Have a blessed Easter weekend ~He is risen~ He is risen indeed!