Today is the day...

Today is the day that marks one more year of life lived without Kyle. Truthfully, I've been dreading it. Frankly, I have struggled more this past year - from year three to year four, than all of the other years combined. I don't know why, but grief is like that - an animal with its own agenda. Before you run, thinking that my post is going to be totally morose, don't run just yet - its not! Over the past few weeks as I've grown more and more apprehensive about the arrival of today, the 4th anniversary, the Lord has continued to whisper one word in my ear - "Celebrate". Quite an odd word for such a somber occasion. In order to find out what that word has to do with today, you'll just have to visit the new addition to the Hodges' blogs - www.hesgonehome.blogspot.com!

Family Pictures Slideshow

A few weeks ago we had family pictures taken. It had been a long time since we'd done that - below is the slide show from our shoot - you'll have to admit that I have precious kiddos!

Introducing Cami...

This morning Wyatt and I headed to Richmond, TX, only a few miles from our house - Brad & Kellie - I didn't realize we were that close to you - within twenty minutes!! Anyway, we were headed to do a family shoot. The exciting thing for me is that this is the 4th time I've shot Brad and Kellie - I did their engagement pictures, their wedding, a family reunion and now... I got to meet the newest member of their family - baby Camille - "Cami" for short! I'm posting a few sneak peeks for them here... Cami made us work for the smiles this morning, but we had fun and at the end she passed out - it's hard work being such a cute model, huh?? Enjoy!!

Happy Birthday Carlene...

The Birthday Girl
Hmm... wonder what they're up to
The Delicious Desserts - yummy!!

Monday was my sweet friend, Carlene's, birthday - we celebrated in relaxed fashion at Cyndi's - the kids swam and the mamas visited - it was such fun and a great way to start off the week! In fact, what was supposed to be only lunch and a swim turned into lunch, swimming, more swimming, and dinner:)! Cyndi is definitely the hostess with the mostest - when she needed fresh mint for part of our lunch - she just went to the backyard and cut some out of her herb garden - I think she is the "Martha Stewart" of Katy! Anyway, Carlene is definitely worth celebrating - she is one of my precious friends in Katy - so it was only fitting that we celebrated all day long!!! Happy Birthday, sweet friend!!

Almost Four Years...

My heart is heavy tonight. While my heart is often heavy when I think about Kyle, it is particularly heavy as the anniversary of his death draws nigh. In 18 days it will be four years. Four years since he was still here. Four years and one week since I've heard his voice, looked in his eyes, wrapped my arms around him - not knowing that the was the last time I would ever hug him. Four years and one week since he saw our kids, played with them, laughed with them, told me funny stories about Wyatt's visit to west Texas, since he called Megan his sweetheart. And yet, I can still hear his voice echoing in the recesses of my memory. I have struggled from June 26, 2007 to now in ways that I hadn't struggled with his death previously. My brain says, "Hodges, it has been four years. Come on!" My heart says something completely differently. I am forever changed. We (his family and friends) all are. My heart says that we didn't do enough at his funeral and in the days after to celebrate his life, we didn't do enough to tell the funny stories, the happy stories, the stories that bring tears of joy not sorrow. Perhaps the shock was so great, the pain so new and so raw that we weren't able to. Perhaps the disbelief that he was truly gone was too overwhelming. Wasn't it just yesterday that we celebrated Megan's 13th birthday and he took the kids, along with his dad and some other family members to Kemah? Wasn't it just yesterday he was still alive? They ate at Landry's, if I remember correctly and they walked down the boardwalk. I still have the digital camera that he used that day and the pictures are still on it. The last pictures that Megan and Wyatt would have with their daddy. Again, I struggle. I put one foot in front of the other. I smile and I say I'm fine, but I'm not. I work, I play with Megan and Wyatt, I laugh, I dream, I do all the things that everyone else does, there's just a gaping hole in the center of my heart and while most days the pain is not the sharp pain that it once was, it is still there. I wonder if it will always be there. So, I'm not fine - I miss him. Again, I worry that we didn't do enough to celebrate his life - to help Megan and Wyatt remember all of the happy times, the funny times, the great things about him. The night after his intervention were some of the most tender moments of our marriage. He'd agreed to go rehab in the morning and his bag was finally packed. The house was quiet - both kids were asleep and we were laying side by side, curled up in bed, talking in hushed voices. It was tender because Kyle wasn't one for cuddling, for curling up side by side, but that night he did. And he said to me, "I want my story to make a difference. I want someone to avoid the path that I'm on because they see what I've gone through." While he was in rehab he joked that we should write a book - quite an odd suggestion coming from someone who didn't even like to read all that much. But he knew how verbose his wife was and so he said - "We should write a book. Again, I want my story to make a difference for someone else." It is in this spirit, with this thought in mind that I need to do something to first, celebrate his life - to revel in the good times that we had and that he had with the rest of his family and friends. There were many. Secondly, to share his story in a way that honors him and tells his story so that, as he put it, someone else will avoid the path that he took.

Just a little over three years ago his brother, Casey, and I took a sixteen hour road trip to Hamlin and back for the funeral of a dear friend of the Hodges' family. Casey and I had many opportunities to talk that day. When he and I talked a little about what Kyle said the night before he went to rehab, Casey asked me what I was doing about it. At the time, nothing. For three years now, the desire to do something about what Kyle wanted has grown. So, on June 26th, the four year anniversary, I will open a blog in his memory. It is titled He's Gone Home. I am gathering pictures and have been working on the blog for a couple of weeks now. If you knew Kyle and you have a story that would celebrate his life, please email me - professorhodges@hotmail.com. I would love to post it so that the rest of us who loved him can share in that memory. My goal is that the blog celebrate his life and I invite you to join with me in that venture.

Prepare to Be Blown Away

I've followed Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth's story for months now. I hope that you are blessed and encouraged the way that I have been. If you take the time to watch the video, have tissues handy - you will need them. You can also scoot the little timer thing forward to about 30-32 minutes - that is when Nate begins sharing about their story. For more info on the Lawrenson family, please visit their blog: www.cfhusband.blogspot.com. Again, prepare to be blown away! God is more than good!!

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In the middle of the bed...

Sunday night the weirdest thing happened... I was getting into bed and normally I stay on "my" side of the bed, but that night, for some reason I rolled to the middle of the bed. Now, to most people that may not seem like a big thing, so let me back up and show you what it means for me...

When I was married we had clear lines about which side of the bed "belonged" to whom. Kyle's was always the side closest to the bedroom door. I was always away from the bedroom door. He was the first "line of defense", if you will, in case someone broke into our home. He wanted to be closest to the door of the bedroom and therefore, closest to the rest of the house and our kids.

Since the time of our separation I have had to learn how to sleep on a different side of the bed. As a mom at home alone with her kids, I'm now the first "line of defense" - I'm the one who has to protect our kids and take care of all of that kind of stuff. Not a role I enjoy or relish at all!! If you were to crawl into my bed (it used to be our bed) there is a definite spot where I sleep -I bought new mattresses, faithfully flip and turn them and still, there's an indent in the mattress where I sleep. In fact, these days it is so pronounced that if you were to roll from my spot in the bed to the other side, there is almost a ridge that you would have to roll up and over in order to get to the other side. Crazy I know, but hey, oh well!! So - you get the picture - I now sleep closest to the door with my face towards the door. It is now my spot and I'm literally stuck in a "rut", well, a "rut" in my mattress, but a "rut" nonetheless. SOOO... on Sunday night I crawled into bed and couldn't quite get comfortable in my little "rut", so I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and turned and tossed. You get the idea. I got up and got a drink of apple juice, then crawled back into bed. I was tired and I just wanted to close my eyes and drift off to sleep, but no, I couldn't get comfortable. Again, the whole tossing and turning, moving the pillows, all the while clinging to my edge of the bed. Finally in desperation I moved to the middle of the bed with my back to the door even (I never sleep like that!!) and almost instantaneously a calm and peace came over me- I stretched out and fell asleep. Ya'll - my back was to the door - that is symbolic of me not being on the ready or watching out for my family - I was sleeping with my back to the door in the middle of the bed in complete oblivion to the rest of the house.

My point is this - how much of our lives do we live on the "edge of the bed" - face to the door, on the defensive, not resting, not trusting?? If you're at all like me, you live a lot of your life that way. That mentality bleeds over into every part of my life - just waiting for something to happen, for the bottom to fall out, or for someone to intrude into my space or my family's space. As I was drifting off to dreamland (well, I don't really dream all that often, so as I was drifting off to sleep), I heard the still small voice of my Saviour, "Come unto me all ye that labor..."

This "on the edge of the bed" mentality has even penetrated my relationship with Christ - instead of crawling into the middle of it and laying down and resting in Him, trusting Him, growing in Him, I've stayed right there on the edge, ready to bolt at the first sign of disaster. Now I know that the disasters come from me - He is perfect and sovereign and everything that I am not, but I'm ready to bolt regardless. That is not what He asks of me, that is not how I can have a true, intimate relationship with him - I cannot cling to the edge, with my face to the door, planning my exit. In order to find the peace that passes all understanding, in order to find the joy He promises, in order to find REST - I must crawl into the middle of my relationship with Him, stretch out and turn my back to the exit. I must commit to being there in that place with Him. I must be willing to lay myself down. No small thing. No easy thing. I cannot be who He designed me to be for His glory and His purpose from the edge. I have to be in the middle. The same is true for each of us. I'll be praying for you if you pray for me as we all crawl to the middle:)!

WE HAVE A CHAMPION!!!

Yes, you read that right - WE HAVE A CHAMPION!!! I am overwhelmed with pride, with joy and with gratitude!!! As I walked away from the arena where Megan was riding today, I uttered a short simple prayer that God would grant her some measure of success - she worked so hard, refused to give up and kept moving forward - if she could've slept in Jake's stall this weekend she would have!! Her determination is truly inspirational to me - let me just explain...

She showed in her second horse show ever this weekend - again, against girls and women who have been doing this for a long time and have their own horses. Megan has been riding since she was little, but her formal training has been sporadic until about a year and a half ago. Even then she had an excellent trainer, but we switched trainers about six months ago and her new trainer, Brent, has really taken it up a notch or two or two hundred:)! (Her old trainer, Candace, is in Pennsylvania training for very high level competitions and we decided the commute to the Penn state each week was a little cost prohibitive - just kidding - we didn't really consider it!!) Brent demands a lot out of her and she goes for it - today she really went for it. She has come a long way in a short amount of time. Today her goal was to remember all her courses (the competitors ride four -five times each day and do a different course each time - the placement of the jumps doesn't change - just the order in which they are to be jumped) and to improve some little things - toes in, shoulders back, pacing, etc... We weren't asking for much - just improvement and... as her mom... I just wanted her to be able to feel proud of her efforts!

So... here's the part about her winning... There are numerous levels in competition and Meg is in the Novice Hunter-Jumper division. Each division has several "classes" meaning that the competitors ride numerous times. There are winners for each class and then one Reserve Grand Champion for the division - today Megan was the Reserve Grand Champion!!! We were just hoping that she would have five clean rides (she competed in five classes) - we were just hoping that she would remember each of the courses, go over the right jumps in the right order, have good posture and keep her toes in. Well, she did all of those things and then some - she got Reserve Grand Champion - that doesn't mean that she got all first in each of the five classes, it just means that when all was said and done, she had the highest total points. WOW!!! Let me say it again - WOW!! God completely, thoroughly and totally went above and beyond what we asked of Him - Megan was an amazing rider today and we can attribute that to her hard work definitely, but also to her Creator who filled her with peace, calmness, focus and a drive to keep going like you wouldn't believe!!

If you want to send her a note of congratulations or encouragement, feel free to either post a comment here or send her an email - meganhodges@live.com. (She would love to hear from you- she loves to get email!!)

Enjoy the pictures and the new slide show!!